Have you ever been so frustrated with something that you can't stop thinking about it?
Have you ever questioned your relationships with people in your lives and been unsure about where you stand or what the future will bring?
These things are hard, and right now very troubling things that are racing through my head at a bazillion times per second! (Which is pretty darn fast)
Tonight my moods have been very ... weird. I think it's due to lack of sleep (note to readers: sleep is important, get lots of sleep) and just generally not being able to think clearly but being so confused with everything at the same time. Even music isn't providing much sanctuary. It's also ridiculously frustrating that I want to write so much here, but I don't even know where to begin. Every time I start to write, I press the backspace button because it doesn't seem quite right.
Maybe part of that is because I know that I shouldn't stress so much about this specific arising issue, but the problem is that I do stress, because I do care.
I mean, how else are you supposed to react when you're told that at a meeting, which you weren't able to attend to, someone who you really care about basically got told something really cruel by the rest of the attendants? Are you supposed to sit back and be ignorant? Or are you supposed to do something about it? But if you do something about it, does that just not only embarrass them but be putting your nose in someone else's affairs that they should address if it's bothering them? But then, what if you hold one of the higher positions in this organisation, then should you do something?
Sheep. That's what they basically said. They said he was only in the organisation because I was there. And what if that's true? Is he - for all arguments sake, let's call him Cinnamon - really only there because I'm there? Surely Cinnamon is there because he wants to be there, right?
This is the kind of 'organisation' where if you are finding being a part of it along with everything else life has to throw at you too difficult, you can politely leave. Or if you simply have no interest in the matters that arise in the business of this organisation, you can politely leave too.
No one should feel absolutely tied down to this 'job', there aren't any shackles or cuffs chained to newbies (although, would that be such a bad idea... just kidding); it's not an obligation to be a part of it if you don't want to be. There's no way that the organisation can continue running if the members of the organisation aren't interested in what they're doing - all that does is lead to an un-affective and un-productive movement, which completely defeats the whole purpose of the group.
So then, if Cinnamon didn't want to be there, wouldn't he just tell me? It's not like I would guilt him or get out the chainsaw and threaten him to make him stay. I'm not that kind of person - I prefer to use baseball bats for persuasion. Again, just kidding.
The thing that hurts is that Cinnamon hasn't actually told me if he is there for the 'right' reasons.
It's coming to the end of the year, and thus majority of the members of this organisation will be moving on to different things as life goes on its' course. In order to make a smooth transition into the next year, the current members of the organisation need to recruit new members. How can the organisation recruit new people, if the current people can't even fully cooperate?
I can completely see Cinnamon's point of view - whenever he attends meetings, he is basically shut out by the group. It's a rowdy group and it can be difficult to get a word in. I know what it's like to be shut out of a group - it happened to me when I was 15 by my group of 'friends'. It destroys your confidence and makes you feel insignificant and worthless. Cinnamon is quieter than a lot of the members, and he also doesn't always feel comfortable around people. But how can any of that change if there's this cycle of, for lack of a better term, alienation. That term might be a bit severe to use in this particular case, but it's effectively what it is. And for certain members to demand certain things of Cinnamon and other members ... it's just not right.
I was away for one meeting, and it seems like all the control of the organisation I had has been undermined and pulled from under my feet. You need a stable base and a set of guidelines in order to run effectively. Where is that base? Where are those guidelines? One meeting, and even I don't know what's happening anymore.
The politics of the whole situation are ridiculous. Yes, I guess I am quite controlling over the whole situation. But that's why I am there - to be someone to keep things together so that it doesn't fall apart.
I'm out of the 'loop' and I feel like everyone has completely forgotten I was even there at all.
One meeting... I have put so much effort and time into this organisation. I'm there because I want to be there; I applied for the presidential position because I have a vision for the organisation. I was elected into the position because people thought I'd do a decent job. Now I'm starting to doubt everything.
But most importantly is the whole situation with Cinnamon. I want to do whatever I can to help Cinnamon grow - he has a lot to learn about the world and about communications. Like everyone, he doesn't like being out of his comfort zone. Fair enough, I can't say that it's hard and has taken me a long time to finally break out of my box. But if I try to help Cinnamon, am I again putting my nose into business that doesn't concern me? Are these lessons in life that Cinnamon has to make on his own?
It's hard to tell. Life is hard to tell. But then again, it isn't supposed to be easy. It's the trials and tribulations and hard times in life that help to not only define you as a person, but to help you grow and appreciate the good times. Life isn't all an endless gravel path, sometimes it's a yellow brick road. Who knows where life will take you? No one knows for certain, all we can go is sit back, hold on tight, and try to enjoy the ride.
So, I guess from going through the many processes in my mind which are reflected here, that's all that anyone can do - sit back and hope for the best. And that's the lesson I'm going to take away from this whole situation. What's done is done; you can't change the past. Even if you were to get in a time machine and do something alternate to the past, then the event would no longer be the 'past' because you have made a new situation for yourself. A new future of events arise from that one change. Maybe that's where the phrase "you can't change the past, you can only learn from it" comes from. Once something's done, there is no point in dwelling too deeply upon it, all you can do is keep moving forward. If you have made a mistake, then you can try to fix it. If something has happened that is out of your control, then you can try to prevent it from happening again (if it's not good).
When I was young, my mum always used to make me recite the Prayer for Serenity:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
The courage to change the things I can;
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Reflecting on the events of the past few days, since the aforementioned meeting, I know that I can't change what has happened. All I can do is look to tomorrow - tomorrow is a new day.
And with those words, I will make my leave for now my mind is clearer and less insane.
I hope that anyone who reads this blog post is also able to take something positive from it, just like I have, for then I will know that I have succeeded.
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